Here are the craziest things GOP candidates are selling at their online stores

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On Thursday night, the 2016 presidential campaign kicked off for real. You'd better have had your drinking games lined up, ordered a pizza, and buckled up for the ride, because we were slashing taxes, repealing Obamacare, defunding Planned Parenthood, bombing Iran, securing the border, standing with Israel, supporting the troops, destroying the Islamic State, and making America great again.

Fox News hosted the first Republican presidential primary debate in Cleveland, Ohio, where they whittled down the field from approximately one million declared candidates to just 10 front-runners. Organizers, bless their souls, managed to find a stage large enough to accommodate the bodies, personalities, and egos of Donald Trump, Jeb! Bush, Scott Walker, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Chris Christie, and John Kasich. (There was another, earlier debate — a.k.a. "the kids' table" — so Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki, and Jim Gilmore didn’t feel too bad about themselves.)

But we're not here to rehash last night. We're here to talk about gearing up for the 2016 debate season — because nothing gets folks excited about civic duty and public discourse like wearing a Mike Huckabee snapback and Scott Walker fleece while making guacamole in a Jeb! Bush mortar and pestle and enjoying a dry rosé out of a Rand Paul wine glass.

Let's just start at the top. Jeb! and Rand Paul are absolutely killing the online campaign store game. 

Jeb!

The Jeb! team went hard to make it cool for young people to rock his gear.

Hence, this tank top — a reminder that the former Florida governor was a hipster before you were.

(Where's the exclamation point though?)

And these temporary tattoos, because — proven fact — young people love temporary tattoos.

One perfect item description totally nails the fact that Jeb! understands the voice of millennials.

Also, guacamole. In your Guaca Bowle. On Sunday Funday. A cool $75. Available to ship in 3 weeks.

Jeb! also has lots of hats, T-shirts, and other things with "Jeb!" written on them.

Rand Paul

Rand Paul's online store is chock full of the craziest campaign stuff you've ever seen, guaranteed. 

The Kentucky senator has an entire section called "Hillary," where you can buy shirts and bumper stickers adorned with the almost-rhyming slogan, "Liberty not Hillary." And you can buy this conversation piece that is sure to elevate our national debate about whether Hillary Clinton should have used private email and servers while acting as secretary of state.

He has plenty of items for the anti-government crowd, including this "NSA Spy Cam Blocker," which is maybe a novelty item and maybe an actual counter-surveillance device that Rand Paul thinks you need. Note the description:

"That little front facing camera on your laptop or tablet can be a window for the world to see you — whether you know it or not! Stop hackers and the NSA with this simple camera blocker. Safe and practical."

What's hipper than turning your Beats headphones into RAND CONSERVATIVE HEADPHONES? Odds of this item violating some kind of Beats by Dre trademark? High. Odds of anybody buying these? Low.

Jeb! has a Guaca Bowle, but Rand Paul has these classy wine glasses.

For $1,000 you also can buy a Rand Paul-autographed, pocket-sized copy of the US Constitution.

Ted Cruz

None of the other candidates can touch Jeb! and Rand Paul when it comes to online campaign stores. Pretty weak game all around, but the Texas Senator and Tea Party darling Ted Cruz gives it his best shot. 

The highlight here is this laugh-out-loud bumper sticker. Get it?

There's also a very abridged and amended version of the US Constitution for sale. The amendment, of course, is Ted Cruz's name right there like he wrote the thing.

Marco Rubio

The Florida senator wins for worst (best?) pun on a campaign item.

He's also the candidate most likely to get a cease-and-desist letter from Marvel Comics, thanks to his "Limited Edition Hero T-Shirt," which is basically just Captain America's shield, but instead of a star: "MARCO."

Mike Huckabee

Huck's store is a disaster zone.

Look at this.

And this.

Scott Walker

The Wisconsin governor's campaign store is pretty boring. You can buy a T-shirt, a fleece, a hat.

And this.

Don't miss your chance.

Donald Trump

Trump's online store went live Thursday afternoon, and it's pretty standard stuff — except for one thing.

HATS! 

Trump's "Make America Great Again" baseball caps have been making headlines all week. Finally, you can rock the look, too.

America just got a little greater. 

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