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On the off-chance Rob Ford doesn't get re-elected this fall, here's what he plans to do.
This is satire, mostly. For more GlobalPost satire, click here.
“We’ll see what people decide on Oct. 27,” said Toronto Mayor Rob Ford during an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live Monday night. On the off chance Ford doesn’t get re-elected this fall, here are some of the things he plans to do:
1) Bumble around a craft store, upending buckets of wooden letters.
2) Explode into a rage when he can’t tie his own tie.
3) Become transfixed by a pop-up book. Closing it. Opening it. Closing it. Opening it.
4) Flick off every statue he comes across.
5) Start watching “The Little Mermaid” on TV by accident. Keep watching. Feel something soften inside him when he sees that little crab hide under a lettuce leaf.
6) Absently let his hand forage across a desk like it’s in constant search for a nut bowl.
7) Go into a gift store at the beach and push every hanging wind chime so the store is filled with noise, look down and pick at his tie, like, “I was just doing this” when the shop keeper glares at him.
8) Stare vacantly across a conference room while chewing pizza from a slumping paper plate.
9) Keep pushing a mouse across a mousepad back and forth, back and forth, with increasing frustration, looking angrily around the room, because the cursor isn’t moving.
10) Continue the ongoing series of insults in his head toward a copper fish in a garden store that seemed to be looking at him funny.
11) Finally get some good splash time in with his most trusted advisor: Rubber Duckie.
12) Sit at a plastic table, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, playing a tiny, imaginary mandolin as the sun sets.