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"Thank you, oh charitified Lord, for the gift of a liberal guy with an Islamic name winning the presidency after me."
Next, I want to thank you for all the lives I was able to give for my country, the men and women of the armed forces who I bravely sent to fight evil doers. Barack is muckin’ it all up now — you just watch how quick Iraq goes south when our boys leave. But I’ll always be grateful for the many turkeys I was able to fly into Baghdad, and for the little lock of Saddam’s hair on my fireplace mantel.
Oh, Cheney! I remember. Thank you, humble Lord, for Dick Cheney, because he’s also making people miss me now that he’s out of hiding and on TV all the time and sounding nutty and such, and with all that grimacing (turning to Laura). He was scary, that man.
Laura (taking his hand): Yes, dear, very scary.
Dubya: And another thing, God, which you know in your infantite wisdom was actually my idea, that Afghanistan war. Huh, they’re surging there, right? Well, who surged first? The decider did, that’s who. And as the decider-in-chief, I’m asking you, God, the enablizer-in-chief, to accept my thanks for giving me the chance to teach America what a surge is. It’s a good word, and it’s better than crusade, which I still think is a fine word, too, but the damned liberals get all upset about it, and so did Mubarak and all them other Arabs. Touchy folk, them Arabs.
And, with a nod to my bro ... (looking at Jeb) the Bush family offers up a prayer for the great state of Florida and all them Cubans and Seminoles and Gators who voted for me in 2000 — and also to those accidental Pat Buchanan voters in Palm Beach County, and, of course, the great justices of the United States Supreme Court.
(Jeb rises to take a bow; polite applause all around.)
Dubya: One more thing, God. In concussion, I want to say that you have given all us Bushes lotsa good opportunity, and lots of salacious food to eat and football, too, to watch on this day. We can’t ask you for much more than what you have already provided. But Lord, if you could see fit, if you could find your way clear to smote that Will Ferrell guy, I think the world would be a better place.
Now let’s eat. I want to get to see the Cowboys stomp Detroit. Jeez, for the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone would want to live there.
Jeb: Or in New Orleans, either, for that matter!
Laughter all around.
Amen to that!